Self-love is not picked up in the store or read between the lines of countless books on the shelves of Barnes & Noble. It is something we create within ourselves.
I’ve discussed masturbating as a form of self-love, and I’ve also given tips on ways to feel sexy, which is a form of self-love, too.
Recently, I recognized there are levels of self-love. Before we find delight in masturbating and enjoyment in lingerie or massages, we have to enjoy our mind and body, period.
What we read in self-help books seem to be normal advice. It is presented as if step-by-step methods will help us wake up negativity free. But I learned it is something we construct on our own.
Self-love is a tough and stunning journey. I took time to revel in my mind, faults and habits. Displaying my sexy by propping on a bed and diving into my body was easy, but accepting my flaws came before that.
I realize we don’t have too much self-love if we don’t know what makes our mind tick, what makes our body cringe and appreciate it for just that.
A lot of us black and brown people are living in a society where our complexion is “exotic” but rejected. We tell each other we are beautiful, but deep down inside, some of us still look in the mirror questioning our potential to be attractive or sensual.
There is no standard to being erotic. Sexy is what you want it to be. It is how you feel confident. Sexy is waking up in your pajamas and loving your hot morning breathe. Loving yourself means meeting someone on a date, noticing you are too good for this person and walking away instead of playing games.
In December 2016, I evaluated my dating life, wondering why it was going into the pits. I reflected on what it was about me that attracted the energy from men I received. It took a few weeks for the realization to hit me: I did not prioritize my own goals, dreams, and health, so how could I expect a man to prioritize me?
I had many days where I felt quiet and sad, blaming myself for my repeated love affairs of failure. The easy route was to blame men, or myself, for not being good enough to be committed to. Sometimes I felt I didn’t look perfectly proportioned, not thin enough, not Coke-bottle-shaped enough.
Other times I thought maybe I didn’t mince my words enough or minimize my outspoken attitude. I thought if I kept my thoughts private, and said things they wanted to hear, it would make them like me more. I thought if I showed how well of a supportive cheerleader I am, it would entice them to want more than a nightcap.
But none of those things worked. It never mattered because I was doing things to please someone else. All my requests to receive support and love seemed outrageous or impossible requests.
From the moment I understood this, I slowly worked on my goals. I worked on fixing my thought patterns. How could I become more comfortable in my skin unless I do what I enjoy.
Even if it meant wearing sexy panties underneath clothes no one was going to see or masturbating to porn no one knew I was into; all these things were for me.
Self-love and self-reflection are mirrors to each other. We magnify parts of ourselves and choose to love it. This sounds obvious, but there are many people who exude hate within their skin.
I encourage you to discover your flaws and thought patterns and accept them. Maybe you idealize men before they show they deserve your time. Or you take women to expensive restaurants thinking that will impress them. Perhaps you relate to me; expecting more from others than you even give yourself.
Evaluate the issue within these habits and reflect on what makes you think this way. Figuring out how you move and operate brings you closer to a better you. What helps you become more confident and sensual? This journey may take weeks or months, and that is okay.
Take a few moments each day to pay attention to your environment, how you interact with other people, and reflect that back to your own mind and body.
Your self-love will be a reward no one can take away from you.
