Having the courage to dial someone’s number and verbally speak is intense. Our generation is electric, fast, and witty. We use pictures to express our mood. But our reliance on texts take away the personal aspect to intimate relationships.
*cues Can We Talk by Tevin Campbell*
We want so badly for our crush to call us without our asking, and when they do, we’re so shocked that we’re stumbling to pick up the phone.
My issue with conversation is sometimes I catch myself expecting too much or too little. I may want to have intimate conversation that isn’t sexual, but have no clue on how to initiate it. In turn, I look to the man to surface a serious topic that brings along the discussion. Only to see my expectations fall flat. This turns me off and I’m back at square one, attempting to reflect on how I can make things better. Getting through dating, I realized how much easier it is when chemistry is involved and someone has equal interest to talk.
But aside from that, I’ve encountered that type of person who offers no type of conversation at all. Taking the energy to ask me through the day, what am I doing, but taking no initiative to bring the conversation off text. Texting is easy and quick. Some see a phone call as even inconvenient and time consuming. This is where my worry comes from. I know chemistry is what entices us to get personal, anyway. But this is more on the initial approach in my mind. How can I want to talk to you if your texting conversation isn’t even encouraging me enough to speak to you on the phone?
Recently, one of my favorite writers, DamnPops, published a piece asking women their take on men whose form of conversation consists of only “What you doing” aka WYD.
I wanted to ask a couple of men whether they feel the quality of conversation has diminished.
My lovely panel of men include, the inspiration of this post, Kahlil aka DamnPops; one of my favorite entertainment and host personality, Jameer Pond; and popular vibes curator himself, YoShowtime!
How do you determine what type of conversation you’re able to give a woman?
ItsJameer: I think you learn by preliminary conversation. That let’s you do a gauge on how deep a convo can go. Some people feel like they can judge by a woman’s actions, but women are so complex that you’d assume the one twerking, can’t give you a dissertation on capitalism in America; that’s not the truth!
DamnPops: As I converse with a woman, I’m taking note of how engaged she is. It also depends on what I’m looking for in terms of the arrangement. Do I want something casual? Am I really looking to date you? Well, if I am looking to date then I place more emphasis on how you converse.
YoShowtime: It depends on the vibe she gives you. If she comes off on some jokes & cool convo type shit, then you act accordingly. If she’s flirting, and you like her, then everything is lit.
Do you feel the “WYD” guys are creating or giving women high expectations of conversation?
ItsJameer: I feel like the WYD men need to offer solutions. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking that. My hope is that there is action behind that ask. A woman told me once when you ask that and you get pass the preliminary question, have a reason for the text. Don’t waste time
DamnPops: Not at all. It wasn’t a high expectation before, it was a norm. I think women want to feel connected somehow, no matter the scenario. She just wants to make sure she ain’t fucking with a total loser. She wants to become comfortable.
YoShowtime: It shouldn’t. Sometimes we just want to check in & see what you’re up to.
How do you encourage a woman to take your conversation seriously?
ItsJameer: I usually just be myself. I don’t come with lines, I don’t have game, I just am the best me I can be. I think when you’re yourself and just want to converse, women tend to gravitate towards that.
DamnPops: I flirt deliberately. I don’t worry about who is hitting up who first. I’m checking for you. I’m taking initiatives, we’re going out for ice cream, we’re doing dinner et cetera—I’m making sure that you see me.
YoShowtime: As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. So if you take her out & have convos, she’ll take you more serious than the guy that sends a thousand “wyd” texts all day.
Do you feel women are the problem with the lack of conversational skills and why?
ItsJameer: I feel it’s situational. I’m not the best texter when I’m busy but if you call me on the phone or we’re face to face, I can have a 3-4 hour convo. A lot of people love to talk and don’t like to listen. No one talks about that side of the coin as well.
DamnPops: I don’t think so. If a woman isn’t talking, she isn’t interested 9 times out of 10.
YoShowtime: I’ve never come across a woman who lacked conversational skills. I’ve been fortunate to be around women who let me know relatively quickly what their intentions are.
Do you think texting makes it harder or encourages more in-person interactions?
ItsJameer: I think we’re the last generation that gets the balance. We text TOO MUCH! But we also remember what it is to verbalize face to face. Generations after us won’t even know that a phone is to talk to people. It’s sad but I feel privilege for both experiences.
DamnPops: I think it varies on the person. Texting is convenient for me. But I do enjoy good phone conversations. I love conversations in person even more. I think texting too much could possibly show that someone may not be adept with holding conversations.
YoShowtime: It makes it easier. Because you’ll already know what & what not to do when you link in person.
My most important piece of advice is: take time to figure out what’s your most comfortable form of communication. This makes it so much smoother to talk with someone you’re interested in. It’s somewhat like Love Languages. We get along better with someone who matches the same love style. It’s better to know what you’re good at (FaceTime instead of phone calls or nights out instead of texting) and move forward with it, than to try something you’re not good at. It’s easy to be turned off by someone who does not match our communication style. It takes more energy to keep up with someone.
We are able to tell who is interested in talking with us and who has unmatched intentions. But it is so hard to do that when texting is our only form of talking. Either way, texting is not going anywhere any time soon. But it does create a disadvantage from creating an intimate relationship with a person if we don’t take the initiative to have in-person time together.
Those who better being in person than texting, make sure it is a joint effort to spend quality time together. Talking on the phone or being on FaceTime may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but there is someone out there who appreciates that method of communication.
Go for it.
