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Second Chances: Killing With Kindness Doesn’t Always Kill

We all have someone we repeat and repeat and repeat history with. But sometimes it forces us to reflect upon ourselves. Some stories need to end without another chapter or scene.

I’m not necessarily against second chances. I do believe people change for the better. However, it’s essential to spend some time apart so you have the ability to come back to the situation with a clear mind.

Going right back into a situation without reflecting will backfire. Our wounds haven’t healed; remaining an open scar. The pain we’re dealing with is only be masked with temporary contentment. There is no proper foundation of happiness to feel at ease in the decision we’ve made.

Giving second chances has always been my thing. Most of my friends know me as forgiving and always seeing the good in those who emotionally hurt me. Once you repeatedly meet the wrong type of person, that “forgiving” attribute spoils into a rotten tomato. But for me, my heart remained sympathetic and accepting.

This tolerance led me to talk to my old flings without animosity. I struggled, feeling as though I needed closure in order to move on. It drove me crazy wondering why they hurt me or why they didn’t see me the way I saw them. But then I learned a new tactic that brought me answers once I became patient with myself.

Kill them with kindness” is a phrase my aunt said to me during my first heartbreak. I struggled with the “What happens when they come back? How do I treat them?” question. There is no right answer to this, but when someone hurt me, killing them with kindness was R E A L. It stunned them to see how polite I was because they knew they did not deserve it.

Telling someone to love and respect us is not the same way we talk to children when they write on the wall.  Now and then the best way to teach someone a lesson is leaving them alone. Walking away from toxicity is holding on to your self-worth, your sanity, and creating space for love you deserve. You may love this person very deeply, but are they worth your sense of self? In order to move forward, we have to be willing to let go of the past.

Killing Someone with Kindness does not always work. Unfortunately, not everyone gets the idea. Even keeping conversation short and basic, has a chance to go wrong.

Some of my friends use the Block button as their form of coping and I 100% respect that. Out of sight, out of mind is a great form of giving yourself space and time.

A year or so ago, I decided to call things off with someone I was seeing. He was unsupportive, seemingly controlling, and again, unsupportive. For four months straight, he constantly hit me up; texts, calls, Instagram and Twitter direct messages. He wanted to be in control again so badly that he was comfortable and persistent in disrespecting my space.

Very few times did I reply to his texts. Whenever I did, I made sure I said I wanted to be left alone, but that hardly ever worked. Some days passed without a text or call, but by the third week, I’d receive a “Hi” to my inbox.

It was sad, irritating, and energetically drained the hell out of me. He tried to play victim or told sob stories to seem misunderstood. As I reflect back to those draining encounters, I see how selfish and insecure he was/is. I would not give him a second chance even if years passed between us.

Some people write in sand all the reasons they’re wrong for you, and still expect you to come back to their beach.

You are not obligated to give a second chance. 

Beware of all narcissistic schemes to manipulate how you feel and what you do. Manipulative people beg for second chances to use and abuse you in the situation. These apparent clues allows you to exit while you’re ahead.

My favorite motto is “everything happens for a reason”. We get so upset at our circumstances, annoyed at how our life is turning around, but there is a reason we need this rough patch.

Killing with kindness means you hold yourself accountable. You have the capability to hold it down and move forward from the past. This doesn’t mean you have to give a second chance. It means you know your self-worth and you have room for love.

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