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Fetishizing: My Experience Dating a White Man & Why It’s Not for Me

Fetishizing is a subtle problem in the dating world. I’m sure interracial dating, or dating a white person, is subjective for everyone. However, after my experience, I wasn’t fond of it.

I used to always think I’d date a white dude. Unfortunately, that’s the best way to put it. Throughout high school, I caught myself attracted to white guys or light-skinned Latinos in my class. I wasn’t against talking to Black men, but at that time in my life, I thought I’d have a white boyfriend. In my head, I wanted to “try” it out.

If some white guys flirted, it was on a physical tip, not really conversation with substance. I thought, maybe it was me, you know? Keeping an open mind, I continued to date black men, but didn’t mind dating a white man if the opportunity came up. 

One time while in college, I was somewhat flirting with a white guy from a frat my sorority was cool with. And he said to me, “I’d go out with you, but I wouldn’t bring you home to my parents.” Hmm.

During 2013-2014, my dark complexion being an issue was beneath the surface and hadn’t sunk in for me.

Soon after, I dated a white man. Born in Michigan, he was older and Italian-American. He was a gentleman, though. Chivalrous, considerate, seemingly lavish, but nonetheless, generousHowever, the more I interacted with him, the more I realized I was fetishized. I felt I was part of a chocolate fantasy for this man.

Was I fetishizing white men when I was younger? Wanting to “try” what being with a white man was like, wanting to experience  the stigma of being with someone of a different race. Inadvertently, I was and I feel bad about it now.

A lot of white men deny they fetishize. They believe saying “I love black women” takes away the fetish part. In reality, that’s the main headline. I should’ve known it was a red flag the moment he said it, and said it again, and then again. I could see he wanted to reassure me he wasn’t racist by saying he enjoyed being with black women. He made sure to let me know he has “always” dated black women and was never interested in white women; how much he loves dark complexions. Whatever.

While we were having sex, things took a left turn once he used “big, beautiful black ass” as sexy talk.

Yes. Moment of silence, please. *Face Palm* Huge and regrettable turn off.

Why was this man constantly making me feel like a melted, cherished Hershey bar waiting to be licked and devoured? My most obvious attribute always came up. It was annoying and tiring.

Despite all of that, I will say he was aware of what was going on in the Black community. Supporting #BlackLivesMatter and mindful of conversations on race. We discussed racial things with a cool aura; nothing felt out of place or wrong. He never made me feel he was trying to impress me with this type of conversation. He always approached the topic cooly, but in an informative way.

However, our unalike race and age gap was the source to our demise. Being of a different race meant we experienced different problems unconnected to each other. It was hard to understand how the other felt because our backgrounds involved different thought patterns and ways of comprehension, or why the other felt a certain way.

Some people are patient enough to teach. There are black people comfortable teaching their white significant other what being black means. It was not for me. I wasn’t in the mood to teach someone that being black was much more than just being black.

I broke things off—not because of race exactly. He had underlying controlling issues and it made me evaluate how I felt being in his presence. I walked away from him with the understanding that I been-there-done-that and won’t look back.

It is uncomfortable when you catch on that someone wants your time and attention because of your complexion or ethnicity, not so much of you as a person. That was cliche as ever, but it’s true. This goes for Latina women lusted after for their “exotic” looks and seemingly “spicy” attitude; for Asian women tired of this made up fake “submissive” demeanor men stereotype them to be.

Reading more about African-American history changed my views tremendously. I felt uncomfortable knowing the history of white men abusing black women and turning around trying to love or date a white man. True and unfortunately, there is history of black men abusing black women, and I do not negate that. However, I feel comfortable being with someone of the same race knowing they have an understanding of a culture similar to mine. I feel comfortable knowing I can learn and express my black culture without having to teach someone things they may not fully understand.

If you have experience dating outside your race, good or bad, let me know in a comment below.

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Comments

  • Cassie

    February 10, 2018 at 2:02 PM
    Reply

    I have been in a interracial relationship before with a irish woman. I was scared because it was my first time dating outside of my […] Read MoreI have been in a interracial relationship before with a irish woman. I was scared because it was my first time dating outside of my race but surprisingly I didnt have to teach her anything about my culture she already knew a lot, well for the most part. She had many black friends, co workers, ex girlfriends and boyfriends. So this was a walk in the park for her. Our relationship was under wraps since no one knew she liked females. It was complicated enough-but I loved her and she loved me. One day we went to dinner with her family, I was the friend of course and we were waiting to be seated. We finally got called and as the hostess got the menu to seat us he assured me that he would be right back and seat me. My girlfriend at the time turned around and stated that I was with them. The hostess was so embarrassed his cheeks were so red as he apoligized to me. I was so in shock I didnt know what to say. That has never happened to me before and all I could think about is not feeling comfortable to eat out. She tried to make me feel as comfortable as possible but it didnt change the fact that this could happen again. Long story short there are challenges that you are going to face but if you love one another and supprt one another things could be great or it could simply be too much and not for you. Me personally, I have to agree with you! I love my culture and I want to experience the world with a partner who understands me on every level. I am not saying that all white people dont understand because some do and im not saying all black people understand because some don't evrn know where they come from. I would rather connect with my own. I have to say it was a learning experience. Read Less

    • nesstalgicc
      to Cassie

      February 10, 2018 at 4:17 PM
      Reply

      wow! thank you so much for sharing. it's always the little things that can wake us up to a situation and make us re-think things. […] Read Morewow! thank you so much for sharing. it's always the little things that can wake us up to a situation and make us re-think things. Thank you so much for sharing! Read Less

  • Tamara White

    February 7, 2018 at 10:45 AM
    Reply

    I dated a white guy and literally every chance he got he would say he loved how white and black constrasted with each other. I […] Read MoreI dated a white guy and literally every chance he got he would say he loved how white and black constrasted with each other. I was his first black girl and he kept saying I guess it’s right when they say once you go black you’ll never go back. I listen to a lot of afrobeats and I love jollof. After awhile all he would listen to was afrobeats. He could draw and he would always try to put some kinyarwanda in the pictures he would draw of me. He would ask me am I gonna carry my baby around the house with a wrap. He would overly encourage me to wear headwraps all the time. If I didn’t wear them he’d be disappointed. He always compared me to whites women and told me how my body and shape was better. How I was better than them sexually etc. He was overly excited about how black men might be mad at him for dating me. Making sure he caught every stare it was weird. He worshiped me but it was too much. He mad emphasis of me being black in all his compliments. My black queen. My chocolate princess. He always complimented when I wore earth times and said how they matched my skin color. He also was controlling and very insecure. He really made me feel like my skin color was a trophy. He loved black women but hated black men. Didn’t want to understand racism. It was a awkward experience for me. The obsession. Read Less

  • Ashley

    February 7, 2018 at 12:52 AM
    Reply

    being in an interracial relationship can be difficult at times, but I’ve found it to be a learning experience for me. I’d never understood (but […] Read Morebeing in an interracial relationship can be difficult at times, but I’ve found it to be a learning experience for me. I’d never understood (but still can’t relate to) being treated differently because of the color of my skin until he showed it to me through his eyes, let me walk beside him. ( I am a white woman, he is a black man.) I now understand my privilege and try my best to acknowledge it, in an attempt to help dismantle it as an institution, and I don’t think I’d ever come to any of these conclusions if I hadn’t dated someone outside of my race. I am concerned to have children with my fiancé, though. If my daughter comes to me, with a problem only a black woman can relate to, how do I help her? Read Less

    • nesstalgicc
      to Ashley

      February 7, 2018 at 8:25 AM
      Reply

      Thank you so much for sharing this! & it's great that you acknowledge something that most people would ignore. its great to create a strong […] Read MoreThank you so much for sharing this! & it's great that you acknowledge something that most people would ignore. its great to create a strong relationship with your partner's family and let them know you're willing to learn how to approach such problems & how do you handle it. Showing interest to learn is best and it helps in the long term. Thank you again for sharing Read Less

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